Uncle Peysakh

A few days ago Kolikon kääntöpuoli wrote about a Russian man who stuck his dick into a padlock, and today about an American man who beat his neighbor up with his (the neighbor's) wooden leg. I feel a slight twinge of panic: has Kolikon kääntöpuoli found my relatives somehow?

Uncle Peysakh used to stick his dick into his apartment's lock. It wasn't a padlock, just a regular door lock, and he never got stuck in it, and therefore he was never mentioned in any news. It wasn't a perverse way of getting sexual satisfaction: it's just that when he was drunk he always figured he can open the door with his dick. Or maybe he mistook the dick for the key.

Peysakh was my grandfather's little brother. He first earned some fame or infamy for himself when together with uncle Vova they locked all the teachers in school and set it on fire. The teachers survived, the wooden school building didn't. I am sure I have already described this joyful event somewhere.

Peysakh liked women a lot, and women liked him too. The women's husbands, however, did not like him much, and therefore his nose tended to be broken fairly often.

When he grew up Peysakh became a pilot and an alcoholic, which is a somewhat unfortunate combination. He was a jovial and friendly man when drunk, and probably was a jovial and friendly man when sober, too, but I don't recall having ever seen him sober. When he was really drunk he tried to get home by opening the apartment lock with his dick, which somewhat worked, because the neighbors (that was one of those big Russian apartments that housed several families) often heard his frustrated swearing and let him in.

He always flew drunk, which could be partially explained by the quality of the planes he had to fly (who'd get into those while sober?). His last flight happened when he and his boss sold some parts of an airplane (history doesn't say whether it was their airplane or somebody else's), bought booze with all the money, got really drunk and started flying around in a condition when they wouldn't be able to walk around. At some point they got safely down, and then they got caught. Instead of saying "oh, I am so sorry, it's all my fault, I'll never do that again" Peysakh proudly declared "hey, what's the problem, the boss was there and drinking too", after which he got fired half a year before retirement.

He died several years later, when he was having his appendix removed and the doctors forgot a knife inside him. When they noticed it, it was already too late. "They stabbed our Peysakh to death," - said my grandpa and was pretty much right.

If you are ever thinking of flying Aeroflot, please remember my uncle Peysakh. In fact if you are thinking of having surgery in Russia you might remember him as well.