Monday, April 28, 2008

So that's where the spammers' penises come from!

It's funny how some countries just have the worst of luck. In addition to all the other plagues of its recent and current history, such as Belgians, two very bloody civil wars, the life expectancy of 51.46 years, corruption, etc., nowadays Congo (that's the Democratic Republic of the Congo, as opposed to the Undemocratic Republic of the Congo) is also plagued by penis thieves.

That's the sorcerers who use black magic to steal penises. The article didn't say what they are supposed to do with the penises afterwards, but I think that now we know where all the nice people who send me email offering to increase the size of my penis get their penis extensions from.

One would think that all the men of average intelligence, or even most men a few standard deviations on the left side of the Bell curve, could find out whether or not their penises has been stolen by simple empirical observation with a naked eye (ok, a few would need mirrors and a few would need magnifying glasses, but still...). The rest of them filed complaints with the police.

Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, had to order the arrest of the 13 accused in order to prevent mob lynchings. The police also detained 14 of the victims, probably because people that stupid should not be allowed to roam free.

Being Kinshasa's police chief gotta be the second worst job in the world. (The first worst job in the world is probably being Hamas's image consultant.) The man, however, seems to have retained a sense of humor:

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Goodbye Russia, 20 years ago

We left Russia exactly 20 years ago. I was very young, very happy and very hung over.

It was snowing, and pretty cold. I was falling off my shoes, which were not meant for the snow, and probably not meant for me either. There were friends and relatives to lean on, they had spent the night over our place.

After the customs and the passport control I had to wobble ahead on my own, because my parents had to make sure that grandpa remains vertical. But at least it was not snowing inside.

It was my first time in an airplane, too. We watched out of the window how at the next gate some guy climbed onto a wing of a plane with a broom and started sweeping the engine from inside. The Austrians in the plane were pointing and laughing.

The plane took off. A flight attendant brought people chicken and sandwiches. She also had plastic cups with juice and wine, and asked everyone "juice or wine". After taking one look at me she didn't ask anything but just gave me the wine.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Next, Islamic chemistry?

At a conference in Qatar Muslim scientists and clerics discussed adoption of Mecca time.

No, they didn't mean turning the clock back 1400 years, just using Mecca time to replace GMT. Because, of course, Mecca is the one true and real center of the world (accept no substitutions!) and is in line with the magnetic north pole.

Oh, dear. I knew that they had their own human rights, different from the regular human rights and highly reminiscent of the old untranslatable Russian joke about democracy and democratization [1]. But damn, now they have their own magnetic north pole too. Different from your regular Western imperialist magnetic pole, and apparently stationary.

Somebody should tell them the pole keeps moving. Imagine the endless hours of fun we could all have watching them put the city on little wheels (or, more traditionally, camels) and try to move it around.

The actual Western imperialist magnetic pole was at 82.7° N 114.4° W in 2005. If Mecca were at that longitude and its own latitude it would be located in the Pacific Ocean a bit off Mexico's West Coast. While this idea does have just a little bit of morbid attraction, don't try this at home, kids, or at least purchase sufficient number of lifeboats before trying.

Next step: Islamic chemistry. The best bombs in the world can be produced by mixing carrots and peas. I am sure this is written in some holy book somewhere.

1) The Russian joke from the democratization times:

Чем отличается демократия от демократизации? - Тем же, чем канал от канализации.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Constitution? What Constitution?

After 9/11 our government has in its infinite wisdom created a no-fly list, which contains the names of suspected terrorists who are not allowed to fly. While I can understand the purpose of the other list they established - a selectee list that contains the names of the people who should be searched more thoroughly when boarding a plane - what, exactly, is the purpose of a no-fly list? Wouldn't it be quite safe to transport even Bin Laden if he has been properly searched? What's he gonna do without weapons or explosives - pray and call Allah's wrath upon the plane? I am sure that hundreds of thousands of people, both terrorists and law-abiding citizens, have already spent tens of thousands hours praying to dozens of deities to strike the TSA dead, so the continuous existence of this agency can be considered a conclusive proof that prayer is not all that dangerous.

The evil-doers, in the meanwhile, have had the unprecedented gall to use fairly common names, such as T. Kennedy or Robert Johnson or David Nelson or John Williams. For the most part the list contains dates of birth, middle names, or suchlike, so all this means is that all the other people with the same names have to show some ID proving that they are not that particular person. Sometimes, however, there is nothing except the name, and everyone else by the same name is totally screwed.

In short, the government is keeping a secret list of names of people whom they don't have enough evidence to accuse, whose rights they infringe upon, who are not allowed to know why they are there and who are not allowed to know that they are in fact there until they arrive at the airport. Sweet.

The right to travel is a Consitutional right, not mentioned as such in the Constitution but very firmly established in the US law. It does not include the right to travel by the most convenient transportation, but that's an excuse that would work only if we are talking about the airline travel between, say, NYC and Boston. Between NYC and San Francisco, or Honolulu, there are no other feasible methods of transportation, and I'd love to see the government try to argue otherwise in court.

People in the US (Guantanamo Bay doesn't count, of course) are not supposed to be held to answer for crimes or deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law (Fifth Amendement). A secret government list does not quite constitute a due process of law. Not yet.

And now some people in Congress (U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk, R-Illinois) want to forbid selling guns to the people on that list. Mind you, I realize that evil-doers owning guns pose more risks than well-searched evil-doers flying on commercial airlines, but keeping and bearing arms is also protected by the constitution. Due process and all, you know. Besides, isn't it fun when you can't check whether or not you are on the list, but your friendly neighborhood firearm salesperson can?

And besides, isn't it strange that the people who are too suspicious to fly on airplanes and own guns are still allowed to hold public office? This should be fixed immediately.

In fact, let's start a whole new list for that. Now that the long secret lists of people not allowed to engage in various constitutionally protected activities have become the new custom of the land, can we also institute a no-government list? You know, a list of people totally unfit to hold public office?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Abu Izzadeen, I have good news and bad news for you

The good news is that you might still get a virgin in this life, without dying first. The bad news is that his name is Abu Hamza.

Yesterday Abu Izzadeen was convicted of terrorist fundraising and inciting terrorism overseas. He will be sentenced today, and is facing up to a life sentence.

"Don't blow up, we are running out of virgins!"

According to the Saudi cleric Omar Al-Sweilem, you only get 10 virgins. Did they have some downsizing in heaven, or are there so many terrorists nowadays that there just aren't 72 for everyone?

"What hair! What a chest! What a mouth! What cheeks! What a figure! What breasts! What thighs! What legs! What whiteness! What softness! Without any creams - no Nivea, no Vaseline. No nothing!" Wow. The man is clearly passionate about his sermon.

Oh well. The Heaven might have problems with downsizing, but at least these Heavenly Virgins did not forget to visit the Heavenly Alko.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


On Saturday, as I was walking by the Lepakkomies bar in Sörnäinen, I heard lots of horrible screams commenting on my breasts.

"Damn," I thought. "It's spring. Those fuckers are out already, and in a couple of weeks there are gonna be fruit flies, too."

Every once in a while I wonder what it would be like to play a psycho card on those guys: suddenly turn around with a crazy expression on my face, pull a wine bottle out of my backpack, charge them as if I am gonna hit them with the bottle, and see them try to scramble out of there, and with any luck spill their beers on their pants. But his probably qualifies as simple assault and is generally unwise, so I won't.

But anyway, it's finally spring.

On Sunday night I saw a guy holding his dick and running after a tram. (Yes, the dick was still attached.) This reminded me of the Helsinki Complaint Choir and the line "kolmosessa haisee kusi" ("it smells like piss in the tram number 3"). Especially since it was the tram number 3.

I wonder if we should blame the spring for that, too.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Cell phone providers and credit history

HS had an article on how the cell phone providers demand security deposits from foreigners, and Finns without a credit history.

According to the article, DNA, Elisa ja Saunalahti demand a security deposit for a year.

Funny. I've had GSM service from Sonera, Elisa (then Radiolinja) and DNA, and none of them asked for any deposits. Some other people say they were asked for a deposit. The thing seems to be quite random.

But the really funny thing about their "credit history" claim is that there is in fact no credit history in Finland, certainly not in the sense that they mean. Not a positive credit history, at least not officially. A credit history in Finland only contains the problems. If there have been no problems, it says that there have been no problems. It doesn't say "has had a credit card for 10 years", or "took out a car loan 5 years ago, has paid it back already", or "has a mortgage and has been paying it on time". The Finnish credit history doesn't really make any difference between a person who has just arrived and the person with a 30-year history of taking out big loans and paying them back on time. It just says "no problems".

And as to Finns that have just moved back to Finland: how do the cell phone providers even know that? The population register does not give out the info on the person's previous addresses; and DNA, Elisa ja Saunalahti are not even on the list of companies that get their customers' current addresses from there.

So, are they lying, or are they getting their info somewhere they shouldn't be?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Only live performances, please

Just as you think that there is some limit to human stupidity, the government of Ahvenanmaa surprises you. They banned all the officials from staying in the hotels that offer porn channels on their TVs.

Yes, they do realize that this leaves very few hotels outside Sweden (Sweden has a list of porn-free hotels). But do they realize how expensive a live performance is in comparison with those TV channels?

I feel sorry for the officials having to reserve their hotel rooms. "Hi, I am Mårån Idiotsson from Ahvenanmaa Self-Righteous Prick Office. I would like to reserve a single room from May 5th till May 8th. But first of all: do you have porn channels in your rooms?"

Somehow I have a feeling that whoever wrote this policy is having a good laugh thinking about exactly the same thing.

On the other hand, this might be a conspiracy by the porn video manufacturers. Or prostitutes. Or tent and camping equipment manufacturers.

Just don't tell them that there is some porn somewhere on the Internet. They'll ban laptops for sure.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Truth in advertisement?

Via Dhimmi Watch:

A primary school in Amsterdam organized a visit to El Mouchidine mosque, and the chairman of the mosque told a group of 10-year-olds that unbelievers are dogs.

The funniest thing is that the article starts "A primary school in Amsterdam wished to provide its pupils with an understanding for other cultures." I guess they succeeded, even though probably not quite the way the school intended.

Monday, April 07, 2008


Haven't blogged for a while again, mostly due to a lot of work and a lot of social life.

Saw The Band's Visit and liked it quite a lot, although it seems to me that its makers have seen too much Kaurismäki.

Also saw the first season of Everest. Wow. I knew that people who climb big mountains are in general crazy, but those exceeded all my expectations.

Got a cool new coworker, who is Russian. Had some beers with her and her husband last week. Gonna introduce them to hot chocolate with rum sometime soon.

Listened to too much music. It's not healthy for me, not sure why.

Read a blog post about what women really want. It was written by a man who did not seem to know much about it, but it inspired me to look deep into my heart and ask myself what I really want. The answer was a 500G Seagate Barracuda hard drive, and I went to a store and bought it.