Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I guess this qualifies as an outdoor sport...

My grandma always used to say "everyone else is a normal person, but something always happens to you!"

I remembered her words on a number of occasions, most recently fifteen minutes ago, when I was running around my roof underdressed, barefoot and with a fishing rod.

It's not my fault, really. The upstairs' neighbor dropped his towel on my roof, I promised to get it, and the fishing rod that my Israeli relatives left in my place last summer came in very handy (also for self-defensive anti-bird violence), but why do those things always happen to me?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

You have a unique chance to make more believers, uphold the public order, relieve the burden on the French taxpayers and release a whole bunch of police officers home to their partners, children dinners and friends. Please arrange for Mohammed Merah to be raped and eaten by a herd of wild boars, preferably simultaneously, within the next hour.

While you are at it, could you also do to him the Unspeakable Thing that I read about yesterday, and the one I read about today, too.

Yeah, and thanks for the nice weather!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Traditional values

Liberia, where homosexuality is already illegal, is currently trying to increase the prison sentences for it. President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, last year's Nobel Peace Prize laureate, is very much against decriminalizing homosexuality. "We've got certain traditional values in our society that we would like to preserve. We're going to keep to our traditional values," she says.

That's funny. I thought Liberia's traditional values were civil war, rape and cannibalism, as well as its traditional place in the last ten countries as listed by Human Development Index.

A former president of this highly traditional country, Charles Taylor, is currently in Hague on trial for murder, rape, torture, mutilation and cannibalism.

Of the other fine politicians of Liberia, Prince Johnson is known for torture and dismemberment, Roosevelt Johnson is known for sponsoring Joshua Milton Blahyi (also known as General Butt Naked), Joshua Milton Blahyi is known for human sacrifice, eating children's hearts and playing soccer with people's detached heads (yeah, and being butt naked).

I understand that next to all these dignitaries Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, who has never committed a violent crime or at least been caught doing so, totally deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

Seriously though, there is some point in her Nobel Peace Prize. She managed to criminalize one traditional Liberian pastime: raping everything that moves, and a lot of things that don't move fast enough (like babies, for example). Yep, they banned rape in 2006. Before that it was kinda traditional.

Americans got a little taste of traditional Liberian values a couple of years ago, when a 8-year-old Liberian girl was raped by four boys aged 14, 13, 10 and 9 and was thereafter disowned by her parents, Hemie and Wedeh Dio (currently on trial in Arizona for 7 unrelated counts of child abuse).

But it's a good thing the president is standing up for the traditional values. I mean, Liberia is so fucked already, imagine how it would be if homosexuals were allowed to have sex!

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Don't use fake email addresses, people

Before you use a fake email address, even one that sounds fake, such as foobar at, stop for a moment and consider that that address might belong to a living, breathing, malicious person with a penchant for practical jokes.