Getting old

A few friends have written about getting old, and now is my turn.

I am not really bothered much by it in any way other than physical. I find the idea that I and everybody I know will become progresively older and sicker and then die terrifying. Change - or stagnation - is not.

(BTW, when I die, please bury an axe with me. I don't really believe in the afterlife, but just in case there is one and I get to visit the creator and discuss the question of aging and mortality with him/her/it/them, I don't want to come there with empty hands, but with a weighty and sharp though somewhat primitive argument.)

As for change and stagnation - I used to be worried about what I will become when I grow up. I have grown up, and I have become what I have become, and I don't miss the angst of my younger years at all. For the last 3 years I have been more or less satisfied with my life, and the thought of 50 or so more years of it sounds like too little.

I always knew I don't want children. It took me many years to realize that I don't really want an academic career either, or any other career that interferes with my life too much. I like having a job that is reasonably fun and pays reasonably well, such as writing software. I like having good friends, and a good boyfriend, and spending my evenings with them. I like movies, and books, and good food and good beer. I think I could go on like this forever.

I suppose it is the sign of stagnation that I am satisfied with my life and do not feel like I need any change. I am not worried, though.

I don't feel like I have any problem finding people to hang out with in the evenings. I am either out or having some friend over almost every night. In fact my social calendar is a lot fuller now than it was when I was 18, and the company is better (I used to know quite a few very good people back then, too, and still see them now when I have a chance, but the ratio of nice people to obnoxious assholes in my social circles has improved dramatically over the years.)

Some problems of youth are long forgotten, such as fake IDs and homemade booze. We are drinking better wine, and often can afford food with it.

Everything that used to be fun when I was a teenager is still fun, and I found some new fun things, such as role-playing games.

I used to worry about friends having children, and still worry about many friends having children at the same time, but even this is less scary that it used to be. Much as the desire to have a baby is uncomprehensible to me, it's usually not the end of the world when somebody who wants them has them. Some people tend to disappear after having a kid, but some just cheerfully continue life as usual. Friends who had a baby a year ago did not disapper anywhere, nor did the ones who had a baby a few months ago. A whole group of friends who have started disappearing 8 years ago when they started having kids is starting to resurface now, and don't seem any worse for the wear. One friend has a real live teenager now, and she is quite entertaining. I think one can easily survive friends' childbearing if the first ones already have adult children when the last ones are still just trying to get pregnant.

Sometimes I run into people who tell me that I should grow up. Usually they are relatives. Often it's a reaction to me being excited about something. Don't know what the fuck is that about.

Life is good. Want more of the same. More software to write, to earn more money, more travel and books and movies, to meet more nice people.

Sometimes I am bothered by the fact that I see people younger than myself who have achieved more, but I know that most of them paid some price that I did not want to pay.