Saturday, September 16, 2006

Weirdos in the street

Lately there has been a lot of weirdos trying to talk to me in the street. I have no idea why. Usually the most severe weirdo season is early summer, but this week there has been a line of men trying to inform me that I have big tits.

Last night's weirdos:

1. "You have very strong hair. Reminds me of Samson and Delilah. Like, if somebody cuts your hair you are weak."

Great pickup line, moron.

I consider some of my standard psychotic responses along the lines of "why, I would still be strong enough to catch the guilty party, slash all the flesh off his face, dip the rest of it in acid and cut off all fingers one by one", but look at the guy, and he looks very small and sad and I don't quite have the heart. Usually saying things like that scares potential sex partners quite efficiently, but it has its risks: some are actually looking for a psychotic girlfriend and sometimes it leads to embarassing situations, like that Irish guy running after me in Amsterdam once and demanding that I beat him up or at least humiliate him properly.

He turns out to be an American. Me too. He thinks we should drink to such an incredible coincidence sometime, and gives me his email address. I rate my chances of ever contacting him as "highly unlikely" and don't give him mine. He asks whether I have issues with foreigners, or with men. I feel like explaining to him that any contact with strange men who meet me in the street and try to be my friends usually deteriorates into the tedios "please?" - "no" - "please?" - "no" so it's best not to waste time.

"Please? I have been here 3 years and I know very few people. You know how hard it is to meet Finnish people."
"Uhm, actually I don't. I meet Finnish people all the time."

He expresses doubt. I ask him whether or not he speaks Finnish. "Of course not!" "Uhm, maybe you'll have an easier time meeting them when you learn the language."

I almost feel like sending him the URL of the forum where foreigners complain to each other that Finnish is hard and Finns are hard to meet, but don't really feel like contacting him.

2. "Excuse me? Do you have a cigarette?"
"You have a very nice body."
"Thanks." (I really don't, but here it is a prettier euphemism for big tits.)
"I wanna try it."
"No way."
"I already have a boyfriend, and if I were looking for a new one it wouldn't be you." Not to mention that I wouldn't think of doing it with a man who has some use for a cigarette.
"Is this because I am black?"
The race card should be answered appropriately. "Yes, that too." (I don't really mind black guys but the race card should always be punished. Besides, it's fun to see people's jaws drop.)

All that weirdness within ten minutes. Huh.

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